i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
