dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
either way he was missing a nipple.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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