last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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