Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
