i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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