She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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