I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
