i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
