Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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