i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
