Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
