I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
