why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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