Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
