So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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