I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
