Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
