I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
