Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
