you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
