I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
