The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
