I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
