I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
