and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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