remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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