the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
