I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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