I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
