I'm going to jail i love you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
