Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
