oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize