I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
