Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
