Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
