Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
