Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
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Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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