just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
