When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
