oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
