I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
