Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
