My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
