She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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