new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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