he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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