You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
