dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
