i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
