Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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