My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
