Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
