Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
