Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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