she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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